This weekend was spent with our friends and outside. Lots of sun blistering outside. Blistering as in the heat cause life is weird as hell and I have that one kid that never ever never never burns. He tans a gorgeous creamy bronze that most ladies pay hundreds for. Me on the other hand had my first go in. my. life. at a sun burn last year and I now fear the sun all together.
Tuck has a wide “collection” as he calls it of swimming trunks. I have failed to go through said collection and hand out his oldies that no longer fit. Before his major growth spurt last year I would have to cut out the “inner undies” that boy trunks have in them for the soul purpose of getting his jumbo thighs in the trunks. He is a moose. However one of my girlfriends kindly gave Tuck a bright orange set of trunks that he just LOVES.
But he wanted to dive right in to a moment of independence and get himself ready for the kiddie pool and sprinkler.
He went with a neon green pair that are at least two years and two sizes too small. This was not going to end well. Picking my battles this summer, I let go of the reigns and let him figure it out for himself.
-Mama you help me please?
Is what I heard in the next room. Sure brother.
I find him half naked struggling to put on his independence and trunks at the same time.
Oh mylanta. In the past when he was in diapers I would literally have to wear gloves, toss two wipes over his “things” and use another wipe to clean up any mess. Call me crazy go ahead, but I am a Mama and I am almost certain there are Daddy’s out there with little girls who feel JUST as awkward as myself.
It’s just damn awkward. And gross. More so for boys. They have projectile pee if your not careful.
-Says the broad who learned the hard way.
Somehow I got my fingers wedged in between the outsides of his thighs and the elastic waist band. Closed my eyes and started heaving them up.
Telling him this was not going to work was not an option. My kid is as bull headed as his me.
One last tug at the sides and I hear it.
*Insert ear piercing screams*
MAAAMMMAAA! You took my THANG OFF!!!! MY THANG!!!! IT’S GONE!!!
So that happened. Mama literally pulled too hard.
Hands on his “things” desperate to hold them on. In his best “Tucker talk” I swear he cussed me.
Tuck’s tiny trunks are now making him bulge in all the wrong areas like a bad case of hot pants.
I felt absolutely God awful. Afterwards I chuckled but initially I felt awful.
Look brother. I love you to bits. I am however sorry I “took off your bits” I promise one day I would love to spoil some grand kids, but for today please listen. I may not always speak from experience but I damn sure can foresee a catastrophe. Just ease off the independence a smidgen and let me be the all knowing for now.
If THIS didn’t forever seal my awkwardness and his fate as a nudest I sure as hell don’t want to find out what will.
I hope your Monday is going better than Tucks. And I hope one day he looks at this blog post and laughs.
And doesn’t abandon me in a nursing home.