Underground Cults and Their Limitations.

-I will find the humor in the most nerve raking oh my God did she really say that out loud moments. You have been warned.

I would like to start out by giving my deepest most heart felt apologies to my folks for every single musical instrument I have banged on, strummed mercilessly and spittled through while they sat awkwardly smiling and clapping along with. Tuck has taken up piano. And I have taken up wearing my purple velvet earmuffs given to me by that one crazy aunt we all have, during his daily concerts in our excruciatingly tiny echoing abode. While smiling awkwardly and clapping along to Mary had a little Lamb.

I have never wanted to punch a lamb in the face before. I do now. And any parent who denies the crazy thoughts during said torturous learning experiences is a liar. Or they have undiscovered drugs they are selfishly not sharing. They government can officially give up water boarding. They need an inclosed area and a kiddo with a recorder. This along with a smily/frowny chart the parental underground cults have the ability to take over the world.

The End. 

Autism can sometimes bring out the ugliness in parenting. I have learned what sets Tuck off, when to call a break time and when to phone a friend cause Mama is going to loose her shit. I had my reservations about Tuck taking up piano. It’s a lot to absorb and the sound of it I honestly feared would make him run for cover. He however finds it almost liberating and where his nat like attention span is our everyday, the ebony and ivory have his full undivided attention. For hours. I love this. 

Today while he was working on another masterpiece that only he can make sense of, I took the opportunity of all eyes are OFF Mama and started cleaning. My vacuum sounds like a freight train rolling through and I failed to notice Tuck had taken a break from his maestro aspirations to shadow me while I vacuumed his room. I quickly learned the roar of said vacuum is no match for the octaves Tuck can reach when in utter fear for his life…

*Insert arms flapping in preparation to take flight*

-WHAT DA HELL IS DAT MAMA!!!

Mama words. I swear I’m working on it.

I look in the direction of his wiggly pointy fingers and loooooking. back. at. me. is a giant gnarly what may be a scorpion spider hybrid science experiment gone wrong what the hell IS that creature thing.

 In the second that past I am suddenly fighting off Kinzie cause not only is Tuck is full O.M.G. mode I now have 90 pounds of, “WHHHHHHHY is my little human screaming I will tear it to bits!” pushing past me and making the creature on the damn wall move. I sucked that bad boy through the vacuum hose before Kinzie could devour it and before Tuck hyperventilated.  

The full out madness that was that moment and the silence that followed was incredible.

Me- Kinzie! You’re coming with me sister. The vacuum is going on the patio and by God if the thing escapes YOU are going on a recon mission.  

I don’t know when I am going to have the nerve to open the canister and dump the creature out but today is not that day. 

After everyone took their moment Tuck resumed his spot in front of his keyboard, I received the

-You are getting your “Girls” smooshed today and remove enough blood to supply the vampire population in Oklahoma reminder phone call. Shit. 

Today is that day. The big day. I’ve got lumps night sweats I am the human equivalent to a blow fish and I will snap your neck if you breathe wrong hormones to have examined and tested. 

You’re jealous. I know. 

And after I drop Tuck off so he does not have to witness such insanity I might be pushed to add a smidge of liquid happiness to my lunch smoothie. 

Survival mode on. Wish me luck y’all.

Xoxo